



I was going to blog about these four photos, in the name of fun.
In the end, I decided not to.
I'm glad that I look better now. (I think I do.)
But, I'm not very proud of the process.
I lay on my bed last night, thinking about what happened.
Tonight, a song and a conversation triggered me off.
I think I'm ready to tell the story, to get it out of me.
After 2 years...
And, I need to do something.
When that birthday picture was taken, it was my 19th birthday. That was 2 years ago.
I was 50kg.
By the end of 2003, I was and am still, 45kg.
I lost 5 kg, in less than 5 months time.
I did not go into any diet plan.
I did not go into some intensive exercise regime.
I did not take any medicine.
I went into depression.
One week before school started for the 1st semester of my final year in poly, I was told that my favorite aunt was sick.
I was so, so scared. I'm very close to my uncle and aunt. Since young, the idea of losing them never fails to make me tear.
I went to visit her every single day for that week.
I didn't know what I could do, except to provide company, and to show my concern.
On the first day of school, I woke up very early, to visit her before I went to school.
Some time later, she was discharged.
School was hectic, mainly with projects. I'm good in them. It was my final year. I wanted to do well.
I had 3 tuition kids. The money was for my school fees.
I had social obligatioins, poly friends, secondary school friends, etc.
I had a boyfriend, Idris.
I told myself that I'll try to visit my aunt as often as I can. I can always make her laugh by doing nonsensical stuff.
As days went by, I tried to fulfil the duties I had set for myself.
As days went by, I realised I couldn't.
My studies went down first.
I skipped classes.
I didn't put in much effort into projects.
Later on, it went from bad to worse.
On good days, I managed to function and complete some work properly.
On bad days, I refused to do anything.
I skipped one major test.
I didn't hand in CAs on time, which meant points were deducted.
That semester, my results were crap.
I cancelled tution lessons when I didn't feel like it. Totally irresponsible.
I shunned my friends.
I am a strong, independant person.
Revealing my problems and weaknesses is not what I like to do.
And I saw no point in telling them. I didn't want to trouble anyone, they couldn't help much anyway.
I also found out that my aunt's recovery process, was not going smoothly.
And my information were always outdated, because I didn't visit much.
I did not even contact. Yes, I was busy. But I also took it for granted.
I took it for granted that everything was going to be fine.
I failed to do every single thing.
I was only capable of one thing. Crying.
Everyday, I thought about what I failed to do.
Everyday, I worried about the outcomes of what I failed to do.
Everyday, I was engulfed by disappointment in myself.
Everyday, I was overwhelmed by guilt.
Everyday, I cried. Cry and cry and cry.
There was once, when I had the urge, and nearly jumped out of Idris' window.
I collapsed, internally.
And I dragged Idris down with me.
While he had to do his own stuff, he had to take care of me. Sometimes, he even tried and had to do my share. I was so temperamental at that time. Like a stretched rubberband, ready to snap anytime, which I did-all the time.
Idris was my only support during that period of time. I clung on him for my life. I stayed over at his place most of the tim, telling my parents it was for project purposes. It was partially true. Except more that half of the time, I was crying and going crazy.
I just didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone.
When I had enough of blaming myself, I blamed Idris.
I blamed him for being my boyfriend, that if he wasn't, I would have more time and energy to do every other thing that I had to.
I blamed him of being a burden, even I knew very well I was the big fat burden myself.
He took everything to himself, and carried on to do things silently, for me.
He begged my tutors to not fail me.
He did some of my work for me.
He forked out his savings to help pay my school fees.
And, he kept his promise to not tell anyone about my problems.
I was aware of what I was doing, and I knew they were all wrong. But I couldn't help it.
I couldn't help doing the wrong things, but I kept doing them to feel better.
And then I got angry at myself for doing all the wrong things.
And then I got frustrated at everything.
And everything just happened over and over again in a big, big vicous cycle.
Nobody knew I was sick. Even myself.
Not until I had to speak to one of my tutor, when she told me all my symptons are signs of depression.
Depression was what I went through for that 5 horrible months.
It was the 'secret formula' of my weight loss.
When school was over, all my duties were lifted from me.
All except for one.
My situation got better.
I was lucky I got through that semester. I didn't even have to repeat any modules.
No, I wasn't lucky. I was blessed.
I was blessed to have really good tutors.
I was blessed to have Idris.
I devoted all my time and effort into accompanying my aunt, to try to cheer her up.
She was hospitalised again.
I told myself I had to redeem myself as much as possible.
I told myself I had to take care of my aunt, as well as my uncle.
I stayed in the hospital for almost a month, keeping my aunt at night when she couldn't go to sleep.
The next morning when my uncle and cousin came, I went to sleep in the waiting lounge; wake up when my uncle go get lunch. Evening time, I'll go home and change blah blah blah.
My aunt did not get better.
However, I ensured that I maintained to be the 'kai xin guo' for everyone.
When I couldn't take it anymore, I'll call Idris to meet me in town, where the hospital is located. Very often, we'll just go to the top floor of Paragon, and Idris would either listen to my worries and fear or see me cry the buckets.
Till today, I'm still guilty over what had happened. I knew I could have done better.
Almost 2 years after my aunt passed away, I knew I could have done more for her.
There are so many things that I could have done, for everyone, and for myself.
I am finally ready to tell this little story of mine.
This entry is going to shock a couple of people.
Some knew something happened to me during this period of time.
But no one knew the entire story.
Only Idris, and me.
After thinking through everything, there is something that I have to do.
There is someone, whom I have owed alot to. Someone who had done so many things for me, selflessly.
Someone who I retracted and refused him of the status that he wanted, for my own selfish reasons.
I told him I needed to find myself, to retrieve that independant person I was before he was there for me to lean on.
I told him being together without status, will protect him from my some ridiculous expectations, which will make me feel better because I won't have to keep feeling bad for demanding unreasonable wants.
He did not understand my reasons, but agreed to everything because I told him I'll be happier this way.
What a selfish bitch I am, ain't I?
So...
Mr Chua Idris Mohd Shafiq, will you be my boyfriend, again, even after being reminded of how insane I was?
It will still be a long long road ahead of us, and I can't promise it will go on forever. I am not ready to make a 'forever' promise. There is still much to do, much to discover, much to learn.
I'm sorry for being selfish and had made you so confused.
Just consider ok?
***
I'm too tired to do any editting. Please pardon me for all the grammar, vocab, or whatever mistakes. And sorry to have to put up with the mushy part. Goodnight everyone.
Stay happy!