Wednesday, August 17, 2005

A little story of mine.









I was going to blog about these four photos, in the name of fun.
In the end, I decided not to.

I'm glad that I look better now. (I think I do.)
But, I'm not very proud of the process.

I lay on my bed last night, thinking about what happened.
Tonight, a song and a conversation triggered me off.
I think I'm ready to tell the story, to get it out of me.
After 2 years...

And, I need to do something.

When that birthday picture was taken, it was my 19th birthday. That was 2 years ago.

I was 50kg.

By the end of 2003, I was and am still, 45kg.
I lost 5 kg, in less than 5 months time.

I did not go into any diet plan.
I did not go into some intensive exercise regime.
I did not take any medicine.

I went into depression.

One week before school started for the 1st semester of my final year in poly, I was told that my favorite aunt was sick.
I was so, so scared. I'm very close to my uncle and aunt. Since young, the idea of losing them never fails to make me tear.
I went to visit her every single day for that week.
I didn't know what I could do, except to provide company, and to show my concern.
On the first day of school, I woke up very early, to visit her before I went to school.

Some time later, she was discharged.

School was hectic, mainly with projects. I'm good in them. It was my final year. I wanted to do well.

I had 3 tuition kids. The money was for my school fees.

I had social obligatioins, poly friends, secondary school friends, etc.

I had a boyfriend, Idris.

I told myself that I'll try to visit my aunt as often as I can. I can always make her laugh by doing nonsensical stuff.

As days went by, I tried to fulfil the duties I had set for myself.
As days went by, I realised I couldn't.

My studies went down first.
I skipped classes.
I didn't put in much effort into projects.

Later on, it went from bad to worse.
On good days, I managed to function and complete some work properly.
On bad days, I refused to do anything.
I skipped one major test.
I didn't hand in CAs on time, which meant points were deducted.
That semester, my results were crap.

I cancelled tution lessons when I didn't feel like it. Totally irresponsible.

I shunned my friends.
I am a strong, independant person.
Revealing my problems and weaknesses is not what I like to do.
And I saw no point in telling them. I didn't want to trouble anyone, they couldn't help much anyway.

I also found out that my aunt's recovery process, was not going smoothly.
And my information were always outdated, because I didn't visit much.
I did not even contact. Yes, I was busy. But I also took it for granted.
I took it for granted that everything was going to be fine.

I failed to do every single thing.

I was only capable of one thing. Crying.

Everyday, I thought about what I failed to do.
Everyday, I worried about the outcomes of what I failed to do.
Everyday, I was engulfed by disappointment in myself.
Everyday, I was overwhelmed by guilt.
Everyday, I cried. Cry and cry and cry.

There was once, when I had the urge, and nearly jumped out of Idris' window.

I collapsed, internally.
And I dragged Idris down with me.

While he had to do his own stuff, he had to take care of me. Sometimes, he even tried and had to do my share. I was so temperamental at that time. Like a stretched rubberband, ready to snap anytime, which I did-all the time.

Idris was my only support during that period of time. I clung on him for my life. I stayed over at his place most of the tim, telling my parents it was for project purposes. It was partially true. Except more that half of the time, I was crying and going crazy.

I just didn't want to be alone. I couldn't be alone.

When I had enough of blaming myself, I blamed Idris.
I blamed him for being my boyfriend, that if he wasn't, I would have more time and energy to do every other thing that I had to.
I blamed him of being a burden, even I knew very well I was the big fat burden myself.

He took everything to himself, and carried on to do things silently, for me.
He begged my tutors to not fail me.
He did some of my work for me.
He forked out his savings to help pay my school fees.
And, he kept his promise to not tell anyone about my problems.

I was aware of what I was doing, and I knew they were all wrong. But I couldn't help it.

I couldn't help doing the wrong things, but I kept doing them to feel better.
And then I got angry at myself for doing all the wrong things.
And then I got frustrated at everything.
And everything just happened over and over again in a big, big vicous cycle.

Nobody knew I was sick. Even myself.
Not until I had to speak to one of my tutor, when she told me all my symptons are signs of depression.

Depression was what I went through for that 5 horrible months.
It was the 'secret formula' of my weight loss.

When school was over, all my duties were lifted from me.
All except for one.
My situation got better.

I was lucky I got through that semester. I didn't even have to repeat any modules.

No, I wasn't lucky. I was blessed.
I was blessed to have really good tutors.
I was blessed to have Idris.

I devoted all my time and effort into accompanying my aunt, to try to cheer her up.
She was hospitalised again.
I told myself I had to redeem myself as much as possible.
I told myself I had to take care of my aunt, as well as my uncle.

I stayed in the hospital for almost a month, keeping my aunt at night when she couldn't go to sleep.
The next morning when my uncle and cousin came, I went to sleep in the waiting lounge; wake up when my uncle go get lunch. Evening time, I'll go home and change blah blah blah.

My aunt did not get better.
However, I ensured that I maintained to be the 'kai xin guo' for everyone.
When I couldn't take it anymore, I'll call Idris to meet me in town, where the hospital is located. Very often, we'll just go to the top floor of Paragon, and Idris would either listen to my worries and fear or see me cry the buckets.

Till today, I'm still guilty over what had happened. I knew I could have done better.
Almost 2 years after my aunt passed away, I knew I could have done more for her.

There are so many things that I could have done, for everyone, and for myself.

I am finally ready to tell this little story of mine.
This entry is going to shock a couple of people.
Some knew something happened to me during this period of time.
But no one knew the entire story.
Only Idris, and me.

After thinking through everything, there is something that I have to do.
There is someone, whom I have owed alot to. Someone who had done so many things for me, selflessly.

Someone who I retracted and refused him of the status that he wanted, for my own selfish reasons.
I told him I needed to find myself, to retrieve that independant person I was before he was there for me to lean on.
I told him being together without status, will protect him from my some ridiculous expectations, which will make me feel better because I won't have to keep feeling bad for demanding unreasonable wants.

He did not understand my reasons, but agreed to everything because I told him I'll be happier this way.

What a selfish bitch I am, ain't I?

So...

Mr Chua Idris Mohd Shafiq, will you be my boyfriend, again, even after being reminded of how insane I was?

It will still be a long long road ahead of us, and I can't promise it will go on forever. I am not ready to make a 'forever' promise. There is still much to do, much to discover, much to learn.

I'm sorry for being selfish and had made you so confused.

Just consider ok?

***

I'm too tired to do any editting. Please pardon me for all the grammar, vocab, or whatever mistakes. And sorry to have to put up with the mushy part. Goodnight everyone.

Stay happy!

25 Comments:

Blogger SaffronSaris said...

加油!!(jia you)
It's good that you are fine now. Sometimes what we all need is someone to spot the trouble early enough and render help.

9:01 AM

 
Blogger littlemissproverbs31 said...

hi.. we don't know each other but i just chanced upon your blog. started tearing while reading your entry cos it really reminded me of what i went through too. when the valleys seem too deep to walk through, just know that you'll always always make it through. hope everything worked out for the best and that you and idris will manage to sort everything out. it's funny how it's all such low points that we find out who truly loves us and who truly truly cares huh? just hope you take care of yourself and that everything works out for the best. hope to see a cheery post soon :)

10:08 AM

 
Blogger cheneille said...

sigh *HUGS*

very touching leh your story... even more touching was your courage to ask idris for a second chance.

i really really sincerely hope things will work out between the two of you!

maybe kl will be the place that provides enough.. umm... vibes so you two can start an even better relationship!

5:30 PM

 
Blogger lalalabom said...

hehehe..

cheneille..what happened to your blog? Can't see anything lor? Or is it my problem?

6:04 PM

 
Blogger Caraline said...

Actually depression may not necessarily "make" you lose weight. I gained weight. I had depression when I was 19 too. I fell outta love, I didn't do well for my A'levels retake, family problems. I also, like you did, blamed myself, then blame others, nothing is right, everything is wrong. I almost jumped down from 20th storey. I almost. I'm glad I din, coz i met my sweet bf now(i'm 23 already). Walking out of depression is not easy at all. you need determination, faith, confidence, building everything from zero.

Happy that you walked outta depression. Love yourself, love others. =D

10:47 PM

 
Blogger cheneille said...

oh ahha i din tell u ah... stupid frenster screwed up my blog, so i started a new one in blogspot!

hanging-grounds.blogspot.com

hehe enjoy!

11:09 PM

 
Blogger Kierra said...

Shu Yin, Jia You!!!

Seriously, I'm quite shocked to know of those stuff you've to go through. *Hug!

Eh... Must update us about Idris and you hor.

9:18 AM

 
Blogger :: pinGz :: said...

Since your this post, I come back to your site almost every hour to check if you have got your answer. Eh, can tell mr. long name to reply soon? Meanwhile, jia you~!

9:57 AM

 
Blogger Jes - Dying Inside.. said...

One Life, Live it... :)

10:02 AM

 
Blogger Yours Potatoly said...

AHHAHAHAHAA.

Mr. Long-name is very funny.

12:42 PM

 
Blogger shanna said...

this is so damn sweet. i cant take it. just tell me when he replies.

5:05 PM

 
Blogger .-*jaN3*-. said...

i really really salute you for your courage to own up to your own mistakes lah. i missed a very special someone just cause i didnt want to own up. i just waited silently. and he never knew.. x'(

1:10 AM

 
Blogger Stephanie said...

(: very touched with your story. Did you manage to patch things up with Idris? He seemed to be the one for you through the hardest times.
All the best girl. do not blame yourself for not doing much more for your aunt. Because, im sure your aunt didnt want you to feel any guilt after she left, moreover you've done your best.

stay strong.
cheers.

4:58 AM

 
Blogger gary said...

That's a sad story, but I admire your honesty.

6:27 AM

 
Blogger Ivy said...

HI,i stumbled upon ur blog through xiaxue's.your story touched my heart..it is very well written.

6:24 PM

 
Blogger abigailcelin said...

pp usu know themselves when they cannot cope. i thk u r blinded by your ego. i thk u shd try to tackle that while you are not in any crisis.

4:31 AM

 
Blogger pAnDaR~ said...

2 years ago.. i had a problem too. i understand how you feel, except i am re-living my nightmare because i refused to seek help or tell anyone for 2 years... and things are suddenly fraying apart.

but that's my story....

happy for you! must enjoy your time in kl ok, and hope things go well between him and you... although there will also be downs as well as up, pulling through everything, that's what relationship is about! :D

6:06 AM

 
Blogger abc said...

Its hard to find a man who can accompany u through all this without giving u up, treasure what u have. =)

12:09 PM

 
Blogger Samantha said...

I believe that as long as the heart is willing, things can get done with just little help of the mind.

I've been diagnosed with depression too a few times, but in the end i climb out and realise how stupid I was as well.

My partner and I, unfortunately, do not have such an enthralling story to share, but we are together again too, after 2 long years of fighting with our minds and deciding what's best.

I sincerely hope that things between you and Idris will turn out for the better, and for that, I give you my best regards. :)

12:31 PM

 
Blogger Ah Kiat said...

it is good that u have got over that period of ur life .. i guess everyone has such an episode in their life too ... i myself was a poor student, and too suffered under the evil hands of depression in secondary school .. i rem every nite, i was like looking at the windows ... not to the skys, but to .... well, all i can say is at least u got someone with u , someone to take ur nonsenses and there to show care and concern for u ... i fear for those , who dare not even say it .. and many juz pass thru this period of their lifes by themselves .. well , we are juz glad that everything is over now .. start from zero , and get the guy back ... he is a gem ...

12:58 PM

 
Blogger spinning laughing dancing.. said...

oh man.. what a sweet and loving guy.. =))

9:34 PM

 
Blogger Tiger said...

wa... what a guy. Don't let him down again hor...

1:18 PM

 
Blogger kelly-boo said...

hey girl, just happened to chance upon your blog. ur story struck a chord with me.. because im facing the same thing as well.. hope things are turning out better for you now =]

12:38 PM

 
Blogger -ebi- said...

hi this is my first time reading your blog and just wanna let u know u are not alone in feeling down, feeling selfish, feeling bad and all. me too. hope u are feeling much better now!

11:08 PM

 
Blogger Bud Wiser said...

Bravo, great page related to weight loss forum, hope you get a chance to visit mine about weight loss forum

7:18 PM

 

Post a Comment

<< Home