Wednesday, April 13, 2005

My Lesson

I'm having a queasy feeling in my stomach...
Talked to Yanyan just now about her friend who passed away.
I guessed that's why the feeling.

I was telling my friends about this thing that my cousin told me - as we grow up, we'll be going through different phases of life. Now that we are all celebrating 21st birthdays, we will then be participating in weddings, house warmings, baby showers..

She left out deaths.

When we were all young and innocent, death seems to be an abstract issue. My grandfather passed away when I was six but I was too young then and not very close to him to understand neither pain nor grief.

As I grow older, I've attended quite a number of funerals. Sheded tears, because I felt sad. Sad for the deceased families, sad for the friends who lost their loved ones. I don't think I understood the pain they felt.

Not yet.

However, things changed almost two years ago.

I lost someone very very dear to me.

There's this saying which says the time can heal the pain. I'd thought that would work.
But I don't think my pain was healing.
Now, as a matter of fact, I don't think the pain will ever heal...

The pain of losing someone is not the same as the pain we get when we physically injure ourselves. Physical wounds heals and there might not be a single trace that it was there in the first place.
But losing someone? That particular person will never be around anymore. Never. The pain will always be there..just like the person will always not be with us.

My pain is still here. My heart is still aching as I type this.

That's life. Everyone goes through that.
Lessons of life.

Feeling this pain within me is an important lesson for me.

When the pain didn't go away for a long long time, I tried to escape from it, I tried to forget about it. Of course I failed. It wouldn't go away, it comes back and haunt me from time to time instead. Many times in the middle of the night, I cried myself to sleep. I hated those times, and I hated to be weak.

I wrote an entry long ago on losses. I said that after suffering from a big loss, I am stronger and wouldn't give a damn about any other minor losses. It was only half correct.

After losing something so important, I've told myself not to be too stubborn about certain insignificant stuff as there are things that are much more significant. On the other hand, I keep reminding myself to treasure what I have and fight for the things that are important, to me.

While I am stronger mentally to deal with challenges like pain, stress, etc, I've also become wary or even scared to imagine myself experience that kind of emotional shock again.

People always take things for granted even when we know we shouldn't. As we grow older, we'll experience and learn from these little lessons of life.

There are times when I wish I could reverse time to prevent myself from feeling that kind of pain. I know I can't but I just couldn't help it. I still grief over the loved one whose no longer around.
But I'm also learning to look on the other side of the coin and whenever I'm feeling upset again, I'll see and feel the pain as reminders for me to do what I have to do.

I am still learning the many lessons to be learnt.

Sometimes, we just have to learn the hard way. Don't we?


Blogger Scarlett Ting said...

It wasn't too nice a feeling when reading YY's post..

I didn't have anyone close to me leaving me, until late last year, and it was then when I realised the faces on orbituaries are closer to me than ever..

Funerals of people, closer, and closer to me.


Fear of loss.

Fear of not doing enough at this moment for people around me, yet reluctant to believe that this might be the only opportunity to do so.

I didn't turn up when a friend of mine asked me out for coffee.. he was already at the place. but i was tired, and i told him to go off from there and i wud make it up to him another time.

There wasn't another time.

I blardy took it for granted.

It's something we dun wan to think about.

sometimes, the idea of losing someone, is enough to be excruciating.

We all learn, yes, but some things, will never go away.

If only.

12:07 PM

Blogger princessdominique said...

Dying or leaving is hard to deal with. It definitely makes you sad and makes you ponder your own life and wonder if you're wasting time, the time you have left.

1:22 AM

Blogger genevieve//* said...

Its never hard to deal with death. For such a young age like us would probably face failure of targets we could not meet.

When i read Xiaxue's post, I was kind a shocked. My great grandmother also left at that period of time. Thou not close, its another lesson for me to grow up. To learn how to delt with acts of people.

Death is just a short while. But that person would be living in hearts of their loved ones. So, its nothing to be sad off. Myabe, as we grow up, death is like a norm thing already.

Life is too valnurable that you'll never know what will happen next. But we surely know one thing from this. treatsure your life as there is no tommorow. Then, on our death beds we will not regret.

Cheer up! Its not the end when you lose someone dear to you. You know that that person is watching you. Hoping that you live life to the fullest. =)

12:33 PM

Blogger Xiaxue said...

ms fussy: Cheer up! Its not the end when you lose someone dear to you. You know that that person is watching you. Hoping that you live life to the fullest. =)

---> I don't like the feeling that Jingwei is watching me leh ... That means I cannot watch porn or erm, bathe.

3:18 PM

Blogger genevieve//* said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:26 PM

Blogger genevieve//* said...



Myabe they also have things that they cant see.. which is like..

when u bathe?

OR maybe he'll close his eyes leh? Hahaha..

12:30 PM

Blogger lalalabom said...

Stupid don't bluff la! even if there's really anyone watching..YOU'LL STILL WATCH PORN!

Thanks you girls who shared your stories and views. I guess we all learn our own way.. jia you ba..

12:38 AM


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